It’s Just a Supernatural Joke

Victor awoke as the sun dropped below the horizon.  With a pulse of will the top of the state of the art coffin he had “acquired”.  He grinned and floated out of the coffin. He brushed the dirt from his ‘monsters rule’ T-Shirt and low slung pants.  He brushed his hand through the purple dyed hair. He headed for the mirror as he did every evening.

As a vampire he couldn’t see himself in it, but that didn’t stop him from making wild faces and flexing his toned body.  There were advantages in being a legionnaire in life, and one was having a sexy bod to pick up chicks. That wasn’t today’s goal.  It was April 1st, and he had some fun planned.

Modern youth wear the most impractical clothing.  He hovered centimeters above the floor.  He had no idea how mortals walked in these things.  Heading for an open window he changed to a bat and took off.  The city looked spectacular from this vantage. The echoing shapes wrapped around him and lights zoomed around between dirty brown buildings.

He ignored the view and charged off into the woods, amusing himself by zooming through small openings between trees and spinning wildly.  After around an hour he saw the glow of the camp he sought. He changed back to human form and peeked around the trees,

In the clearing he saw a bunch of new age tree huggers, complete with pony tails and birkenstocks.  Mixed in were some large wolves, gnawing bones and gnashing at each other. In front of the fire a man/wolf hybrid sat with a large stick tipped with a silver moon.  The others deferred to him. It made sense as he was the werewolf chief.

Victor resisted the urge to yell.  He didn’t want to alert the furry subhumans to his presence.  Instead he concentrated and changed to a gaseous form. It was a misnomer that vampires changed into mist.  They turned to gas. Mostly water vapor, but a clever vampire could change to other gasses. In this case sulfur, he had trained months to do it.

He floated silently into the camp and settled in behind the chief.  He had heard from other wolfies that the chief had lost his sense of smell.  Now it was just waiting.

After 5 minutes it began.  The sensitive beasts began choking and gagging.  The chief glared at them and they did their best to pretend nothing was wrong.  The wolves rubbed their snouts with their paws and the humans did their best to cover their nose without appearing to be doing so.  A few youngsters laughed, only to be cuffed by their elders.

Victor would have laughed if he could have.  The chief had a priceless expression on his face as he looked over his people.  “Peter, what is wrong? Why are my people acting so strange?”

“Nothing master, nothing!  There is just some sort of strange – uhm something in the air,”  he waved his hands wildly.

“The old curr let one fly!”  shouted one of the pups and the others began to cackle.

The chief jumped to his feet, glaring. “I did not ‘let one fly’!” he shouted.  “Stop your laughter!”

Victor floated out among the cubs and they gagged and laughed harder.  “It smells like rotten eggs!” shouted another. The alpha stepped in the group, growling.  The pups did their best to stop but couldn’t contain their laughter. In response the alpha swept his mighty paws around, smashing the cubs to the ground baring his teeth.

“I did not pass gas, you little bastards,” he snarled.  The cubs shut right up. Figuring the game was over, Victor floated back into the woods and changed back into a human and choked on his laughter.  There was more to do tonight, and he didn’t want to ruin it now.

It was several hours before the next part of his plan was ready. Victor was so bored he had changed to a cat and hung upside down on a bough of a tree.  He mewed a laugh and hopped down changing back to a man. The hunters entered the clearing with a dead deer and set it down in the center of the clearing, bowing down and backing away as the alpha walked slowly forward to bless the food and take the ceremonial first bite.

Victor suppressed a snicker and concentrated, calling on his animal minions.  A moment later the sky blackened with clouds of bats. The werewolves jumped up and snapped at them, but mostly missed.  The cloud coalesced around the dead animal and using their combined might they lifted it out of the wolves reach about 9 feet in the air.  They circled around the clearing as the beast began howling and leaping for their meal.

Victor was doubled over in silent guffaws as he watched the bizarre scene.  Humans screamed profanities and wolves snarled. As funny as it was the bats couldn’t do this for long.  Sighing, he ordered that bats to fly over the alpha and drop the corpse. Shocked, the alpha went wide eyed as the deer fell on his head, dropping him to the ground.

Pandemonium ensued as youngsters burst into wild laughter, the wildest ones ran howling into the woods, trying to catch the mass of bats.  Those with a clear head helped the alpha up and began searching the surroundings for the cause of the odd happenings. Victor changed to mist and floated above the trees.  His form vibrated with restrained laughter. Only one thing left to do.

It took several hours for the wolves to regroup and began eating their meal.  Many of the beasts stared balefully into the woods, ready for anything. Victor slid through the trees like a wraith, dropping small objects to the ground.  After a half an hour he was ready.

Cupping his hand around his mouth, he warped and threw his voice, shouting “
Inventi sumus et infrahumanae dæmoniorum! Ignis ad voluntatem!”  He threw a couple yells and Lord’s prayers around as well.

It had the planned effect, the beasts circled and snarled staring into the darkness, looking for the humans that weren’t there.  Time for phase two. Victor grinned and began lifting the several dozen “silver” arrows from the ground.  He had used some hollywood tricks he had learned to make them appear real. He began to mentally hurl the projectiles into the camp, and let out a realistic werewolf snarl of pain out in the woods..

The beasts dropped to the ground snarling as they changed to man beast form.  Once the “attack” stopped they ran roaring into the woods. Victor changed to mist form and floated to the top of a tree.  He became human and balanced on his toes on a thin branch and began throwing screams of pain and latin cursing, driving the werewolves mad, charging through the woods.

He felt dawn coming and rose into the air and became a bat, flying hurriedly back to his lair. This was the best April Fools Day joke ever!  He changed to a human and floated towards his front door, laughing. As he looked he stopped and sobered. Someone had tped his home. With garlic strands.

A sign stood in the yard at a 45 degree angle.  It read ‘With Much Love, the Werewolves’

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